


in the light of day

by timkon



Series: a curse and a crush [1]
Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Coming Out, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, misc irl people linked to the characters appear
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-24
Updated: 2018-03-24
Packaged: 2019-04-06 19:33:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14064003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/timkon/pseuds/timkon
Summary: “I can’t believe you just asked me if Bobby Orr’s gay,” Connor replies, staring incredulously at Mitch as though it isn’t totally a valid question.(or; Mitch Marner's Guide to Self-Acceptance and Finding True Love)





	in the light of day

**Author's Note:**

> Here’s your obligatory warning that these are fictional portrayals of real-life people, which do not reflect their true selves nor do I claim to be accurately representing them. If you know any of the people tagged or mentioned in this fic, please click away! 
> 
> Thanks to @ismsandsundry and @snottieperson for betaing this fic, even though I'm sure it was too short for Danae's taste. Extra shoutout to @sunflowerdaye for giving me the GTA perspective I sorely lack. And finally, thanks to everyone else on Twitter for not calling me out when I started writing this series instead of doing my essays. This is meant to be a companion piece to my main work (in progress because I cannot stop writing), so certain important events are skipped over here because I cover them extensively there.
> 
> Any mistakes left are my own!

_Early June, 2016_

 

Mitch spends most of the drive to Newmarket tapping on the steering wheel and reaching out to fiddle with the dials on the radio every five minutes. He managed to sound pretty smooth on the phone with Connor, but now that he’s alone in his car and nothing to focus on except the road, Mitch finds himself going over the same thoughts.

 

Maybe he’s overthinking this entire situation. Why is he even going to Connor for help on this anyway? Dude’s hardly a relationship or sex expert in any sense, especially in comparison to some of Mitch’s other friends. Then again, it’s not like he’s much better and Dylan’s a mess so Connor might be his best bet.

 

This cycle carries him all the way to the McDavids’ driveway, where he cuts the engine and parks by Connor’s car. He allows himself a minute to breathe and centre himself, before he unlocks the car. _You’re here because Davo is one of your closest friends, who is basically the least judgemental person you know when it comes to the things that matter. Even if he_ did _have a problem, he lives in Edmonton most of the year anyway. Get a grip, Mitchell._

 

Once he’s inside the McDavid family home - he knocks to make his presence known like a polite Ontario boy before letting himself in anyway - some of the nerves disappear. Mitch’s shoulders fall down as he kicks off his shoes by the door.

 

Not long after, he hears a door close from upstairs and footsteps echoing as Connor clambers down to meet him.

 

“Davo! Long time no see,” Mitch says, grinning as he tugs Connor into a hug. “Sorry about the playoffs, dude.”

 

Connor shrugs as much as he can with 170 lbs of hockey player wrapped around him. “Yeah, it sucks but you can’t change what’s done now. It’s not like I was gonna beat _Mr. Mem Cup Champion_ over here.”

 

Mitch lets go of Connor and fails to duck the oncoming noogie on time, hardly bothered about the chirp. “Yeah, yeah, tell me more about how great I am.”

 

“In your dreams,” Connor says with a laugh.

 

“C’mon, let’s play some Chel. I bet you haven’t gotten any better since our last tourney,” Mitch goads, crowing when Connor groans in response but still turns on the console. They argue good-naturedly about who gets to play as the Leafs and Mitch is left with a blissful reprieve from real life as they sink into their usual routine of playing and chirping each other.

 

Two games in, Mitch can feel himself start to grow more and more tense in anticipation. Connor makes an off-hand comment about him blowing the last time they made plans for an impromptu ‘date night’ and all he manages is a weak laugh in response. Nothing he does seems to quell the uncomfortable feeling in his gut, though

 

Connor puts the Playstation on standby after their third game ends with a ridiculous 12-1 and stares at Mitch expectantly from across the couch. “So what’s really up, Mitch? Not that it isn’t fun hanging out, but usually you’re the one inviting me over. Cheating isn’t as fun when your head’s not in the game.”

 

“I would’ve had a crisis earlier if I knew that’s what would get you to admit to it, you rotten cheater!” Mitch crows, shoving at his shoulder.

 

He should’ve known Davo would catch onto his bullshit sooner rather than later, but that doesn’t mean that he can’t try a last-minute deflection.

 

“So?” Connor says, eyebrow raised.

 

Mitch decides then and there that the best course of action is to rip the bandaid off. “I think I’m gonna break up with Steph.”

 

“That sucks, man. I’m sorry it’s not working out,” Connor says, a hint of surprise in his voice like he has expecting something else.

 

“I love her but I don’t _love_ her, you know? I think I was just looking for someone to fill the gap and she was there at the right time,” Mitch stops and lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding in. It’s time to dive into the deep end. “Also, like, I’m probably gay so. S’not really cool to string her along.”

 

A beat passes before Connor acknowledges Mitch with a soft smile. He opens his arms slightly and goes, “Come here.”

 

Mitch leans willingly into Connor’s arms and rests his head on his shoulder. Connor is probably waiting for him to say something else but suddenly he’s all out of juice, exhausted by simply saying the words. He’s gotten used to carrying the weight of them inside and now that he’s finally said it to another person, the relief that everyone talks about is undeniably mixed with a sense of emptiness. It’s like the aftermath of running a marathon.

 

Eventually Connor speaks, “You know it’s not just you, right? There’s other guys in the league who are gay or whatever. I mean, statistically there’s no way that every person who’s played in the NHL is straight. You’ll be fine. She’ll understand as well, she’s not the kind of person who’d hold it against you.”

 

Mitch says, equally as soft, “Yeah.”

 

They sit in silence, neither having anything to say but without the need to fill the silence until Mitch snorts out of nowhere. Connor pulls back from the hug and sends him a questioning glance.

 

“How likely do you think it is that one of the guys that everyone grew up idolizing was secretly gay? Like, do you think Bobby Orr was gay?”

 

“I can’t believe you just asked me if Bobby Orr’s gay,” Connor replies, staring incredulously at Mitch as though it isn’t totally a valid question.

 

Naturally, this leads to a good half an hour of them both trading players back and forth while bickering about the odds of any of them being gay. Crosby is immediately put on the winning side (“It’d be a waste if he wasn’t, with an ass like that,” Mitch says and Connor doesn’t disagree), along with about half of the West Coast team players and miscellaneous other first round picks from the last decade.

 

“What about Staal?”

 

“Which one?”

 

“All of them.”

 

They both pause a minute to consider it.

 

Connor turns his head towards Mitch and solemnly says, “Yes.”

 

Mitch nods equally solemn but it only takes a few seconds for his face to crack as he lets out a ridiculous laugh and Connor starts laughing soon after. It’s the lightest that Mitch has felt since the championship win and he’s so incredibly grateful for it.

 

\--

 

“Ugh, I should probably start heading back before traffic kicks up so Mom doesn’t kill me for missing dinner.” Mitch stands up off the couch - albeit slowly, he thinks his ass might have joined partially with the leather at this point - before turning to hug Connor tightly. “Thanks, Davo. For real.”

 

“Anytime, man. I know I’m not the best at stuff that isn’t hockey or whatever, but you’re my friend too. I don’t want you freaking out about stuff on your own, y’know?” Mitch nods into Connor’s shoulder. The hug lasts for longer than it maybe should but whatever, you only get a few post-coming out hugs in life so he may as well make the most of them.

 

“Later.”

 

The rest of the summer is something of a blur. By the time that training camp comes around, Mitch has made more than a few trips to Newmarket to visit Connor. Sometimes to see him alone and play video games to distract himself from the fact that he’s now single for the first time in years, though not always. Most of the time, Stromer is already there because they’re codependent freaks which means that they can all shoot the shit together like it’s old times and they’re all still in the O, with endless weeks ahead of them. He’s feeling cautiously optimistic about his chances of making the Leafs roster this year - he won the fucking Memorial Cup, what else do they want him to do? - and really good in general.

 

This is going to be Mitch’s year.

 

* * *

 

_Early November, 2016_

 

The next time he comes out to someone, Mitch is a lot more nervous. Sure, Connor was the first person Mitch ever said the words out loud to but also it’s _Connor_. The dude’s called ‘McJesus’ on the regular, he highly doubts one of his friends being gay would be enough to freak him out.

 

Marty, though, is a different subject entirely.

 

Making the Leafs roster felt like a miracle with everyone and their mother debating whether Mitch was “undersized,” but having an actual veteran take Mitch under his wing is what made him realize that he’s made it. He probably won’t say it without a few drinks in him, but Mitch was unbearably grateful to have Matt looking out for him those first few weeks.

 

They might be good friends, but that means nothing in hockey when people are traded like chess pieces and the faces around you change every year.

 

The sensible voice in Mitch’s head told him to go for one of the younger guys first, like Mo or maybe one of the other rookies. But if Matt is secretly homophobic or someone who’s cool when it’s not someone he’s close with, Mitch would rather not get too attached barely a month into the season.

 

He’s gone through his mental list of why coming out to Marty is a good idea several times but the doubt has already started creeping in by the time he manages to knock on his front door.

 

Right as the door is opening, he hears a faint “Mitchy!” from inside and he’s greeted with Sydney’s fond, exasperated expression as she yells back, “At least let him get in the door first!”

 

“Long time no see, huh?” Mitch says, grinning as he hands over the bottle of white wine he brought with him.

 

Sydney rolls her eyes and thanks him for the bottle, eyeing it up in clear approval. “Did Bonnie help you pick this out?”

 

“Maybe,” Mitch hedges, but before he can say anything else in his defence he’s greeted by two hundred pounds of Matt Martin grabbing him.

 

“Jesus,” Mitch huffs with a laugh. He hugs Matt back equally tight before turning it into their usual bro hug. “We saw each other last night, you’d think I just came back from the Army.”

 

Matt pulls back and pouts exaggeratedly, eyes twinkling. “Every day without you is a tragedy, Mitchy.”

 

Sydney, who has been watching this entire exchange with thinly veiled amusement, only sighs in response. “I’ll give you boys a minute alone. We’re having roast beef tonight, Mitch.”

 

Matt leads Mitch into the living room - a great open space with two giant television screens looming over them. Lying in his bed right next to the couch, however, is Mitch’s number one fan.

 

Mitch’s face breaks into a wide grin, “Jax, buddy!”

 

The dog looks up at the sound of his name and immediately comes barrelling over to them both once he sees Mitch, stopping just before he hits Mitch’s feet. Mitch leans down and gives his head a good scratch. He doesn’t think he’ll ever experience the same level of happiness that dogs do when someone gives them a head rub, but he’s made his peace with it. Matt gently admonishes the dog for running in the house before kneeling down to play with Jax.

 

“How you dealing with the schedule so far, then? It’s different from the O, huh?”

 

“Yeah,” Mitch agrees absentmindedly. “I’m still pretty pumped, honestly. I keep expecting to get sent down whenever I go a game pointless, which is a bit nerve-wracking but hockey’s hockey, y’know?”

 

Matt nods at him, then is immediately pulled into a game of tug-of-war with Jax which is surprisingly even. Figures he’d get a pet that’s basically him in dog form. He’s only a little out of breath when he replies despite this, however.

 

“It’s definitely an adjustment. We weren’t too far from Toronto last year so it’s less the geographical distance and mode the routines, really. It’s been pretty weird getting used to being in another conference after all that time in New York.”

 

“Yeah, I figure if you managed to get through your rookie season somehow, it should be a walk in the park for me,” Mitch smirks.

 

“Ugh, you’re too mouthy for a rookie,” Matt says, pausing to grab Mitch around the neck and shove his face down into his chest. “Back in my day, you know—“

 

“Oh, back in your day, huh?”

 

They chat a bit longer, though he’s itching to get a few more minutes with Jax before dinner. Mitch doesn’t have to wait for long to get his turn though, since Matt’s called off not long after.

 

Sydney’s voice floats down from the kitchen, “Babe, can you—”

 

“Already on it,” Matt interrupts and climbs to his feet, brushing off his jeans. He gives Mitch a knowing look. “You can give Jax that treat you’ve been hiding in your pocket since you got here—he’s been nudging towards it ever since you got close.”

 

Mitch shrugs with a smile and pulls out the treat that he has, in fact, been hiding the entire conversation. What can he say, he’s a sucker for dogs. As Matt strides over to the kitchen to most likely help set up the table, Mitch decides to catch up with Jax in the meantime. ‘Catching up’ in this case mostly involves him feeding Jax the aforementioned treat, belly rubs, and lots of murmured compliments. It only lasts about five minutes, but he still has to drag himself up when the food’s ready.

 

The three of them are most of the way through dinner before the topic of Mitch being single comes up in a conversation about the Family Skate in a couple months and he finally gets the opportunity to say what he’s been meaning to all night.

 

Mitch clears his throat. “I, uh, actually wanted to tell you guys something.”

 

Matt and Sydney share a wordless glance, before Sydney speaks up and pushes her chair back. “I can leave you two alone if you want, Mitch?”

 

“No, no, you’re fine,” Mitch reassures her. He might be closer to Matt, but he’d feel shitty asking him to keep this from her. Not to mention how lovely Syd’s been to him since her boyfriend adopted a rookie almost immediately, while they were still just settling in to Toronto. “Um. So, I’m—part of the reason why I’m not really looking for someone right now is that I, uh, had some realizations about myself over the summer? Which is just a really convoluted way of saying I’m gay, sorry.”

 

Marty frowns, leaning in to the table on his arms. “What about that girl on your Instagram? I thought you two used to be a thing.”

 

“Yeah. I broke up with her before training camp. We’re still friends, but I didn’t want it to feel like she was my beard or anything. It was easier to just tell everyone I wanted to respect her by not immediately going back on the dating scene, which was true, obviously, but I was planning on waiting a while before I told the rest of the team.”

 

Mitch can feel his leg jiggling under the table  and can’t bring himself to stop twisting his hands long enough to chill the fuck out, but at least he’s usually pretty jittery to cover up.

 

“Thank you for telling us, Mitch,” Sydney says, meeting his eyes and smiling.

 

“Yeah, same for me. Sorry for not saying that first, I guess I was a little confused. But I’ve got your back, always. You’re still my rookie, that’s not gonna change.” Marty reaches across the table to lightly punch Mitch on the shoulder.  “If anyone messes with you, they’re messing with me too.”

 

With everyone’s plate completely demolished, Sydney stands up and picks up her plate, grabbing one of the empty wine bottles with her on her way to the kitchen. Mitch automatically reaches for Matt’s plate and shuffles it on top of his own, the casual routine working in sync with his nerves and need to walk somewhere. Matt reaches up to ruffle his hair as Mitch walks past, laughing.

 

The two of them wash and dry the dishes in silence, listening as Matt cleans up the table and turns on the TV in the living room for them. Mitch is taking his time drying the last dish when Sydney speaks up.

 

“It was brave of you to come out to us, Mitch. I think I can safely say that sports can be a pretty shitty place to be sometimes if you’re different, so it means a lot that you wanted to tell us.”

 

Mitch swallows, looking down at the plate in his hand intently, suddenly finding it difficult to speak. “I—thank you.”

 

“And if you’re ever looking for a boyfriend, I know a few guys in the area who would love your number.” She raises her eyebrows and Mitch laughs, feeling a lot lighter than before.

 

“Thanks, but I’m okay being single right now.”

 

Sydney ruffles his hair as she walks into the living room and Mitch is struck by how similar her and Matt are, how lucky it is that they managed to find each other. _Kind of like how me and_ \-- Mitch shakes his head. _Let’s not think about that right now._

 

* * *

 

_Late November, 2016_

 

It shouldn’t have been a surprise to Mitch that coming out to Dylan would involve a lot of unnecessary fanfare, but he guesses a part of him still isn’t used to having to repeat the process with new people.

 

The follow-up conversation he has a couple weeks later with an uncomfortably somber Dylan and the semi-hysterical phone call to Davo after the former call solidifies Mitch’s resolve. He decides that he should test the waters with one of the other rookies before coming out to the rest of the team. Auston would normally be his go-to guy in this sort of scenario, but… well. That’s the issue, isn’t it?

 

Zach is older than some of the vets in the locker room (which weirds Mitch out when he thinks about it too much, so he generally doesn’t), but it’s still his first year in professional hockey so they’re on the same level.

 

Also, Zach went to college. Mitch has heard stories about what goes on in college hockey and he seems like a pretty open-minded guy in general, so he figures his odds of Zach reacting badly are fairly low. It might not be the best litmus test for seeing how everyone would react, but it’s always good to have guys on your side first.

 

A couple hours after they arrive at the first city on their road trip, Mitch knocks on Zach’s hotel room door and says, “Yo, it’s Mitch. Are you busy right now?”

 

“Nah, let yourself in.”

 

He opens the door and makes sure he shuts it before he starts to talk. It briefly crosses his mind that he should be more uncomfortable being alone behind a closed door with someone he’s about to come out to, but Mitch pushes that aside. For the most part, anyways.

 

What Mitch means to say as he walks in is: “Hey, Hymie. Can I talk to you about something?”

 

What Mitch _actually_ says is: “I think I’m in love with Auston.”

 

Zach stares blankly at Mitch, who is frozen in place, before going, “Well, that was unexpected.”

 

There is absolutely no way to take that back, oh _shit_. Mitch can tell his eyes are wide open like a deer in headlights and he swallows to try and stop the thread of panic trying to crawl up his throat.

 

For lack of better options, Mitch opts to instead bury his face in his hands. “Oh, God.”

 

“Do you wanna, uh, sit down?” Zach pats the twin bed next to him and Mitch gladly sits, though it’s only a brief moment before he tries to hide underneath his hands again.

 

When it becomes apparent that Mitch is not going to talk anytime soon after his utter failure to speak like a regular human being, Zach steps in. “So… Matts, huh?”

 

“Could we, like, pretend I didn’t say that? That wasn’t part of my plan. I was gonna go ‘Oh hey, Hymie. By the way, I’m gay.’ and then you would go ‘That’s cool, thanks for telling me Mitch.’ and then I’d go ‘I’d appreciate it if you didn’t spread it to the other guys yet’, which you would follow with ‘No problem!’ and then we’d be done. Auston was _not_ part of this.”

 

Zach’s got his mouth closed in a way that makes it very obvious that he’s trying not to laugh at him. What a nightmare. “You really planned that out, eh? Have you thought about going into writing? I could help you out, you know.”

 

Mitch is living in the worst sitcom ever.

 

Zach clearly must see the dead expression on his face judging by his wince and the fact that Mitch feels like he physically lost three years off his lifespan, so he relents. “Alright, alright - no more chirps. Thanks for feeling like you could tell me this, in all seriousness. I won’t mention it to the other guys until you’re ready.”

 

Mitch exhales slowly. “Thanks.”

 

“That being said, I feel like we should talk about the fact that you’re maybe in love with Auston?”

 

Mitch lets out a huge groan and flops back onto Zach’s bed, covering his face with his arm.

 

“Ugh, there’s nothing _to_ talk about. He’s Auston and I’m Mitch, and he’s way out of my league. We’re good friends, sure; I don’t know him that well though, we aren’t even halfway through the season. It’s a dumb crush. I don’t know why I even said that.”

 

“I don’t think I have to tell you that you’re both literally in the same league,” Zach starts.

 

Mitch rolls his eyes, “No shit, Sherlock.”

 

“I’m not your therapist or anything, but it’s okay to have feelings, you know? I know it’s the NHL and I’ll never know what it’s like to have to deal with being gay on top of everything else, but like. It’s _Auston_ , dude. It’s only been a few months but you guys are attached at the hip, I doubt you admitting you have feelings for him is going to completely destroy that friendship.”

 

Mitch sits with that for a minute.

 

“If he does take it badly, then he can go fuck himself,” Zach finishes. He looks serious now, eyebrows furrowed and intent on getting the message through to Mitch. Mitch is honest to God touched. He might not have been expecting a bad response, but there’s several levels between indifferent and this.

 

Mitch hesitates before sitting up. He shuffles up the bed to where Zach is sitting and wraps his arms around his neck, hugging him tight. Zach’s arms rise up to hug Mitch back, just enough to let Mich know they’re there.

 

“Thanks,” Mitch mumbles into the crook of his neck. “Thanks, Hymie.”

 

They hold onto each other for another minute before Mitch lets go. He feels a bit shakier than he did coming in, which he thinks is probably the opposite point of coming out. But at the same time, it’s kind of a relief to be able to feel a little vulnerable without the immediate urge to repress it.

 

“Do you wanna watch a film or something?” Zach asks. “We’ve got a couple hours to kill before team dinner, so we may as well make the most of it.”

 

Mitch nods, grateful for the distraction. He jumps up the bed by the headboard, making himself at home immediately. He pats the pillow next to him. “You know what time it is, dude.”

 

Zach sighs, but makes his way up the bed and pointedly leaves his arm high enough for Mitch to lie under. Mitch grins and takes the invitation to snuggle up to Zach.

 

They finally queue up Mean Girls after some intense debate about the merit of buddy cop films versus romantic comedies. Mitch texts Auston for help breaking the tie and he agreed that Mean Girls is definitely the better film of the options, so suck it Hymie. The look on Zach’s face when he glances over and sees Mitch's text exchange post-win  Auston “wifey material” in response to helping him win the argument and got a single ring emoji back was worth it, if only for the Snapchat he manages to sneak of Zach perfectly quoting Regina’s lines that he immediately sends to the team.

 

The movie is a surprisingly good distraction - there’s something to be said about films that are so embedded in pop culture that you can quote half the lines without even thinking twice. It’s weird watching something featuring an openly gay character with a straight guy next to him; he’s half-expecting Zach to make some sort of joke, even though he knows intuitively that he’s not that kind of person. He decides to focus on Cady’s love life instead and gets wrapped up in the early 00s drama.

 

Once the credits are rolling, Mitch checks his phone and curses under his breath when he sees the time. He’ll have to skip the shampoo in the shower if he wants to avoid a late fine from Mo.

 

“Ugh,” Mitch says. He stands up and stretches, letting his joints pop and reveling in the grossed out face that Zach makes at the sound. “I should probably head back to mine so I can get ready before dinner. Thanks for this, man.”

 

Mitch raises his fist up and Zach fist bumps him back, letting it explode afterwards. “See you around, dude.”

 

“Hey!” Zach calls out as Mitch is about to close the door. Mitch turns around, trying to remember if he left something on the bed when Zach continues, “I think this’ll work out better than you expect.”

 

Mitch smiles.

 

* * *

 

_Early January, 2017_

 

Of all the ways to tell someone you’re gay, accidentally getting caught giving Auston Matthews a blowjob in their living room is probably not the way that Mitch would’ve chosen.

 

“I’m… going upstairs,” Chris announces to the room at large, arm firmly blocking his line of sight which Mitch is eternally grateful for. “Please be wearing clothes when I come back down later.”

 

Mitch finds that a little uncalled for, given that Mitch is only shirtless and Auston is mostly fully-dressed, but he guesses that a dick’s a dick.

 

“Is he gone yet?” Auston asks, still staring directly at Mitch like he thinks that Chris won’t be able to see him if he doesn’t acknowledge him. If only.

 

“All clear,” Mitch says. He tucks Auston back into his briefs since he doesn’t seem to be moving any time soon, and pats his dick. “I’ll get back to you later.”

 

“Are you talking to my dick?” he asks, voice an octave higher than usual. “Really, Mitch?”

 

“Shut up, I’m stressed,” Mitch whines. “This wasn’t exactly how I planned on telling my family about us.”

 

Part of Auston seems to relax after that. “Shit happens, bud.”

 

Mitch stands up from the carpet and stretches—blowjobs really take it out of a person. Auston is making no effort to disguise the fact that he’s staring at his bare chest so he makes a point to flex a little. They both know the mood is dead, but he’d be an idiot to pass up the opportunity to preen.

 

“Do you wanna be there when I tell Chris about us? I was planning on easing them into the whole gay thing and then introducing you, but I think it’s a bit late for that.”

 

“It’ll probably be more awkward if I’m there, honestly. Your brother is cool but I barely know him and I’d be weirded out if I caught my sisters doing… any of what he just saw us doing. I’ll be in the kitchen making us some food before dinner, though, assuming you’ve got a full pantry?”

 

“Yeah, no, knock yourself out. Text me if you need anything.”

 

Auston gets off the couch to go to the kitchen and squeezes Mitch’s hand once, before leaving him with his thoughts.

 

He reaches down to grab his shirt off the floor and shrugs it on, giving himself a cursory one-over to make sure he looks decent. Some conversations ought to happen fully-clothed.

 

—

 

Mitch takes a deep breath and steadies himself before knocking on Chris’s door. “Hey. Can I come in?”

 

“That depends on whether you’re wearing clothes,” Chris says from behind the door. He sounds way too amused for the situation, considering he just walked in on his younger brother sucking cock like a pro, but that does nothing to soothe Mitch’s nerves.

 

Mitch declines to acknowledge that statement with an answer and pushes the door open instead. Chris is lying casually on his bed with his laptop open nearby, scrolling down his phone with a mostly bored expression. His room looks like a tornado blew through it, as it usually does when he’s home for the week, and Mitch gingerly steps over a pair of briefs to get inside of the room. He doesn’t venture in any further for an easy exit and a valid excuse not to look his brother in the eye.

 

“So, uh. I’m dating Auston,” Mitch says. He’s painfully aware that he’s stating the obvious but he’d rather avoid the other elephant in the room (what he walked in on five minutes ago) so this is all the material he’s got. “Matthews. Auston as in my teammate Auston Matthews.”

 

Great. This is going great, just fantastic. Chris doesn’t stop typing or look away from his screen when he replies.

 

“So you’re gay then?”

 

“Yep.”

 

Jesus, he’s not felt this awkward in his life.

 

“Sorry about the whole,” Mitch makes an incomprehensible hand gesture, “thing downstairs.”

 

Chris finally looks up, raises his hand and interrupts him before he can continue on the path to further embarrassment. Thank God for small mercies. “Mitch. Dude. It’s cool. Live your life, I’m not here to judge you. Actually I am, but you know what I mean.”

 

Mitch relaxes just a little bit more after he says that, but he can’t let himself go entirely yet. “I know it’s a bit of a big ask, but could you not tell Mom and Dad yet? I really want to do this right with them. Telling them isn’t a big deal, but at the same time it’s not _not_ a big deal.”

 

“Sure. Don’t ask, don’t tell. I know the drill.”

 

“That joke was terrible, we aren’t even American,” Mitch scoffs.

 

“Yeah, yeah, I know you thought it was funny. Look, if you’re looking for my older wisdom or whatever, I think he’s a nice kid. Good head on his shoulders, you know? You could use that.”

 

Mitch can’t control the way his face immediately softens thinking about Auston and how well they work together. He probably sounds sappy and gross when all he manages in response is a soft, “Yeah.”

 

Chris makes a face, “That being said, if you guys ever fuck on the couch again, I am absolutely telling Mom about that time you snuck out to ’Sauga of all places for a party.”

 

Mitch splutters, “You _wouldn’t_.”

 

His older brother laughs in his face and walks to the door, heading down the stairs and by default leaving Mitch to trail at his heels.

 

Chris strides into the kitchen humming a song that Mitch can’t decipher as he walks close behind. His brother nods once at Auston and reaches into the fridge for a can of Pepsi. It isn’t until he closes the fridge and leaves the kitchen, grabbing a few things from the pantry first, that it clicks for Mitch that the song he’s been humming was the chorus of ‘Afternoon Delight’. The shade of red that Auston’s face turns when he recognizes the song makes Mitch wish he had his camera out, though maybe it’s best not to have any physical reminder of this afternoon.

 

Instead of reaching for his phone, Mitch walks up behind Auston and puts his head on his shoulder, wrapping his arms around Auston’s waist. He can feel Auston tense up slightly then relaxing as he realizes who’s behind him.

 

“Hey.”

 

“Hey,” Auston replies in his usual monotone. Mitch knows better, though.

 

“Love you.” His boyfriend turns at that and smiles at him before leaning down, pressing a soft kiss to the corner of Mitch’s mouth.

 

“Love you, too. Even if I don’t think I can look your brother in the eye ever again.”

 

“He thinks you’re a good influence on me, you know.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“You’re pretty okay yourself,” Auston allows. Mitch grinds his chin down on his shoulder to hear Auston yelp, but isn’t quick enough to stop him from turning around fully and grabbing Mitch by the shoulders. Auston uses his ridiculously toned arms to manoeuvre him so that his back is pressed against the counter. Mitch meets his eyes dead-on and dutifully closes them again when he leans down to kiss him, as he lets himself revel in how lucky he is to have found something solid like this.

 

* * *

 

_May to June 2016_

 

Mitch realizes he might have a problem when he can’t stop staring at Dvo’s lips after they win the Memorial Cup.

 

He passes it off as a drunk thing, at first. A quarter of them are legal in Ontario, so naturally their coaching staff have turned a blind eye to the fact that they’re all drunk out of their minds and high off their win - Chucky might be actually high, on second thought. What a fucker. Dvo’s arm is casually slung around his shoulders, fingers brushing against Mitch’s bare arm every so often, with a constant supply of Canadian passing through his right hand. Mitch keeps getting drawn out of whatever nonsensical conversation he’s having whenever Dvo shifts or squeezes his arm. A shiver goes through him each time.

 

This is - not normal, but whatever. Everyone gets butterflies sometimes without it being about someone else specifically. It’s not, like, a gay thing. Not that he ever thought it was. Fuck, Mitch is clearly wasted if he’s even entertaining this idea. Maybe another drink would help? He makes the executive decision to steal the shot that Cliff left on the table unattended and the rest of the night is a blur.

 

While this seemed like a foolproof strategy at the time, Mitch wakes up with a wicked hangover and a churning feeling in his gut which is only partly due to the need to vomit. Drunk logic is the _worst_. He scrolls through his Instagram feed because he doesn’t have the energy required to face the day quite yet and pauses a few seconds too long at the shirtless pictures that dot the profiles of every hockey player in the off-season. Thankfully his drunk twitchiness over Dvo passes - he’s a good dude, but not exactly boyfriend material - but he’s increasingly aware that this isn't a one-time thing. Or something new at all.

 

Sure, he’s always had to put more effort into glancing away from other guys in the locker room, which he partly attributed to how touchy-feely he was. He might not be gay but the last thing you want to do is make anyone uncomfortable.

 

He spends a lot of time re-examining his friendships with guys in Midget and feelings he passed off as hockey crushes before. With the season over and the NHL looming, there’s a lot of spare hours for him to think. Whenever he shrugged when thinking about dating girls in the past, he assumed it was because he was too focused on hockey to think about dating. Now it’s like a switch has flipped.

 

All of this is coupled with an unmistakable nausea as he remembers the girlfriend he’s been dating for the past two years. Who he’s _still_ dating. He met Steph in London, and it felt like he didn’t have to look at anyone else because he had her. She was blonde, and sweet, and a people person just like Mitch. The kind of girl that hockey players are expected to marry. The thought of having to look her in the eyes and tell her that their entire relationship was a fraud makes him want to be sick. He does love her, he’s just not _in love_ with her - and isn’t that the kicker?

 

Oh God. Does everyone else know? Is that why Mitch’s father pushed him as hard as he did into sports as a kid? His mother’s comments about Steph seeming like “a sweet girl” are suddenly twisted into something pitying. The thought of being the last to know and having no control over his own destiny, no way to know what was going to happen, digs at him underneath the skin.

 

For a few weeks, he doesn’t know what to do with this information. He’s not exactly a huge star so his summer isn’t packed with much else other than training, seeing his friends, and occasional hockey obligations. All he has is time to sit alone with his thoughts, so he decides to use it productively. He can’t predict or change what other people might think of him if he comes out, but he can at least work on himself.

 

Mitch practices saying it out loud in his room. First, he whispers it quietly in the middle of the night when he can’t sleep; murmurs it like a prayer, a call for help. Then, in the mirror after he brushes his teeth in the morning. Types it out in Snapchats he doesn’t send, uses Pride filters he won’t let himself save but still stares at for a while. He says it to himself again and again until it feels less like a confession and more like a fact.

 

The sky is blue, the population of Canada is 36 million, and Mitch Marner is gay.

 

He lets himself think that everything is going to be okay and he almost believes it.

 

* * *

 

_+1 - February, 2017_

 

One evening in late February, Mitch and Auston decide to have a quiet night in. Playoff season is getting closer and closer, so the number of games they’ve played combined with the fact that other teams are starting to play rougher now has made most of the rookies exhausted. It’s no trouble weaselling their way out of a night out when half the team is also staying in to spend some time with their families before the next roadie.

 

They’re lying on top of the covers catching up on Mitch clears his throat and turns to face Auston. Auston raises his eyebrow at him in response which, rude.

 

“Okay, so feel free to stop me if it’s none of my business—“

 

“When has that ever stopped you?”

 

“Oh, fuck off. I didn’t want to ask after you confessed your undying love for me since, y’know, I have some sense of romance. Are you gay? Or bi, or whatever. Honestly I’d be fine if I was your gay exception, that’s totally cool. Willy seems to be everyone’s gay exception so it’d be an honour, really-”

 

“Oh my God, I get it,” Auston interrupts, grinning like Mitch intended. He reached across to shove at Mitch and rolls his eyes. “Gimme a minute.”

 

To his credit, he does genuinely seem to think about what to say for a bit and Mitch has to hold back the overwhelming urge to kiss the crease on his forehead that shows when he frowns. After a couple of minutes have passed — which he’s not about to be pedantic about, all things considered — his face smooths out and he meets Mitch’s eyes.

 

“I hadn’t really thought about it tons before I came to Toronto? I hooked up, but I wasn’t looking for a relationship until I was more settled so it wasn’t important. I knew some guys who weren’t straight but it wasn’t something I applied to myself. Sometimes I’d think _‘oh, he’s hot’_ but I figured that was just an aesthetic thing that every guy did. Like dude, did you see Seguin’s Body Issue?”

 

Boy, did Mitch _ever_.

 

Auston catches his eye and smirks. “Exactly.”

 

“So I had to re-examine a few things when it hit me that the way I acted around you wasn’t exactly just ‘buddies.’ I may have, uh, had some outside help in figuring that out.”

 

Mitch is confused for all of a second at the phrasing, before remembering the conversation he had with Dylan where Dylan unapologetically called him out for being gone for Auston. Still, it’s weird to think of Matts as being ‘obvious’ about his emotions at all. He nods at Auston to keep going, which he does.

 

“I didn’t hook up much after that, since I spent most of my time hanging out with you or Freddie anyway. But there were a couple of times on the road, just to see if it was dudes in general or just you.”

 

Mitch feels some jealousy spark up inside him and bites his lip hard, none-so-gently slamming the lid on that. _Now is_ not _the time._

 

“Wow.” Auston rubs at his neck and lets out a laugh. “Yeah, that was my long-winded way of saying I think I’m bi.”

 

“Okay,” Mitch says, smiling softly. “Thanks for being honest, dude.”

 

“I know I don’t owe you anything but I wanted you to know that, I guess.”

 

Mitch reaches out and Auston lets himself lean into Mitch, head falling onto the crevice between his neck and shoulder. He raises his arm up to rest his elbow on Auston’s shoulder as he combs through Auston’s hair. Their free hands tangle together on Mitch’s lap and he takes a minute to revel in the feeling. God, he’s disgustingly in love with him.

 

Auston turns their intertwined hands and looks contemplatively at them before speaking. “Sometimes it feels like you don’t get to be confused because there’s stuff like You Can Play and people who are out, so you either know or you don’t. But that just wasn’t the case for me, which was a little shitty. Like, how do I know that I’m not taking the easy way out by saying I’m still attracted to women?”

 

Mitch doesn’t respond since it sounds like a rhetorical question but Auston doesn’t offer anything else up either. He keeps running his fingers through Auston’s hair and lets himself think about the question. Sometimes it’s hard to remember that they’re just kids, that most people their age are stumbling their way through college and relationships without having to worry about PR or having to be a “role model” — whatever that means.

 

“I mean, I figured it out while I was in a relationship with a girl so I don’t know if I’ll be able to entirely understand your situation. But - it’s not crazy if you don’t know everything yet. You can just figure it out at your own pace, with or without my help.” Mitch presses a kiss to the top of Auston’s head. “I put _so many_ miles on my car driving to Davo’s place every other day in the summer, so at least you don’t have to go to Newmarket to talk about gay shit. Or bi shit.”

 

Auston snorts, “You’re a real romantic, Marns.”

 

“That’s why you chose me,” Mitch says with a shit-eating grin, before kissing him properly.

 

—

 

An indeterminable amount of time later as they’re getting ready for bed, Mitch turns on the tap in the bathroom and faux-casually asks, “So, does that mean you think Willy’s hot? Because I don’t know if I can compete with that, personally.”

 

Auston laughs, “He’s got a weird thing going with Kappy that I’m not touching with a ten-foot pole, thanks. You're welcome to try, though.”

 

“Wait, Willy has a _what_ with _who_?”

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, my name is Charlie and I secretly love coming out fics despite my aversion to ever coming out in a serious manner.
> 
> \- shoutout to Zach Hyman, Noted College Graduate  
> \- I tend to stray away from portrayals of IRL wives/girlfriends but I felt like it was important for the story I wanted to tell here. I wrote this before Matt proposed, but also please marry me Sydney xx  
> \- Mitch doesn’t actually come out to his ex during the course of this fic, but a lot of the story was inspired by [this article](https://intomore.com/you/The-Girl-I-Loved-While-In-The-Closet/602f0e52cee74997)  
> \- I’m on [twitter](https://twitter.com/jake_lourdes) & occasionally [tumblr!](http://pevensiedmund.tumblr.com)  
> \- Comments are very much appreciated & I’m always happy to give more details about this verse!


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